Tomorrow being mother's birthday, she invited the family out to lunch today. I knew father would be there, too, so I was reluctant to go what with the last year's row and the ensuing cessation of all communication between us but for her sake still couldn't decline. We were supposed to meet at a restaurant on a hill. The day was grey and misty, rain mixing with snow, and the forecast gloomy. However, the precipitation stopped mid-morning and after a phone consultation we decided to go nonetheless. Once we were there the snow picked up again but at least it didn't accumulate.
M (my partner) and I arrived at the spot without incident and at the appointed time. However, the rest of them were nowhere to be seen. So I called and found out we were given a wrong time frame and besides, my sister with her husband were late to pick up parents. They finally arrived and we exchanged courtesy and b-day wishes and stuff. But imagine my astonishment when father - the very bastard who humiliated me and abused me verbally and emotionally throughout my life - stepped up and hugged me and welcomed me back.
Now, this sure made mother's day and everybody seemed to be happy about it. Not me, though. I'm not sure what I feel yet. Perhaps I should be happy, too, or at least relieved - but I am not. In fact, I feel completely indifferent at the moment. I did not turn him down - after all, how could I - but it didn't make me feel any closer to him. I still don't like him and I don't think I ever will but I don't hate him either. And I'm just not sure how far I can tolerate him and his antics. Still, he is but an old man and hasn't much time left so maybe I had better learn to.
(gosh, how I miss my lost friend...)
5 comments:
oh, thom - don't you dare to even think about mentioning any anniversaries anywhere!
First things first. I only do the blogger now. It got to be too much with doing everyone that mentioned a birthday so you are safe. BTW...when's your birthday...email me that info if ya would please :) You aren't immune to my Celebrations...and I DON'T post ages unless the blogger does.
Secondly I'm glad you went and at least accepted what was given. I admire you for doing that. I would have done the same thing. I think I would remain indifferent up until when I got an appropriate apology that was true and came from the heart. You honored your mother and that's how it should have been. Great daughter you are my friend. Forgiveness to me is hard to do but putting up with antics and such, well if it makes the family feel good I do it. It's all I can do. I don't forgive and forget much either. Do I dwell on it? NO. Life is too short. Time heals and believe me you will heal from your lost friend. :)
Hau`oli La Hanau to your mom. I hope she has a wonderful birthday my friend:)
xoxoxxo
Indifference is better than hatred and anger. I know why you can't just trust him. It is a wise decision. Now that he knows you won't take his crap he may not give you any more. Most bullies back down when seriously challenged.
And I agree with what Thom said, you did the best thing you could do for your mother and your family. On top of that, the anger is more destructive to you then your father anyway, he doesn't ive with it 24/7 and it doesn't eat at him.
As to your friend, I am sorry that wound hasn't healed. I hope it will someday and the two of you can rebuild your relationship. Some time has passed. Ho about if you just send a simple "thinking of you" card without putting your return address on the outside.
you two will never know how much your support means to me :)
thom - we said a word or three already so i'll just thank you here, also on behalf of my mum.
quilly - hmmm... i don't remember mentioning anger anywhere in the post (or in general)... in fact, i was quite comfortable with the previous arrangement and didn't miss seeing him at all. and we arranged occasional meetings with the other family members so the turn of events will leave me the worse for wear - i'll have to visit them more frequently and i'm not happy with that. still, they are the only family i have...
as for my friend - my bonds with him were much deeper than with any other person i have ever known although our relationship was strictly platonic. i doubt i will ever be able to heal completely. we were both facing difficult times when it happened and i still do not understand why he shut me off completely. there must be reasons only he knows about...
i tried to approach him in as considerate a way as possible but to no avail...
i know i'm defeated here but am still not able to accept it and it may take a long time before i finally can - if at all.
and although i feel betrayed and humiliated i still love him in a peculiar way and wish him all the best in whatever challenges he's facing
Polona -- I had a friend for years. Some one who knew all of my secrets and dreams and longings. She turned her back and walked away from me over a simple $12.00 mistake. She has never accepted my apology and it still stings from time to time. I do understand.
As for the other, you may dwell on them day-to-day, but the anger and injustice you experienced have left scars on you. I am only hoping that this new turn of events will allow you to exorcise some of that. You already made the most progress when you survived talking back and walking away. If your father decides to revert to his old ways, you know you have the strength to get up and walk out again.
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