Saturday, 31 October 2009
Friday, 30 October 2009
Thursday, 29 October 2009
A small relief
It seems my family (the part that I still accept as family, that is) has finally consented to my not joining them anymore at what used to be traditional family gatherings. Actually, I spent a pleasant enough afternoon with mother today without her ever mentioning the possibility of spending All Saint's Day (this Sunday) together.
TWT 34 (in 140 characters)
He was a tristificial sight, lying in the field, his every orifice suffarcinated by a spiscious mucus; the third still-born calf in a month.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Monday, 26 October 2009
A woodpecker in distress
My Mondays are usually busy and almost always long as after the regular work I have 3 hours (net) of French course so when I finally get home I'm pretty exhausted. Our offices are in the city centre but I do try to get some fresh air during the lunch break and seek every opportunity to take a walk in the nearby park or along the river. Ljubljana may be the capital but it is still a small city on a global scale and has a lot of green surfaces.
It is an overcast day and the cloud cover presses low, not allowing any sunlight to penetrate the thick layer of dreary greyness so common here in the late autumn and winter. However, it is not cold and I decide to take my round down to the river, across one of the bridges to the other bank and back across another bridge. Almost back to the office building I suddenly hear a thud and see a few passers-by gather around something. As I approach, I spot a bird - a woodpecker! - lying there on the ground motionless, only its eyelids flickering. The poor thing must have mistaken the reflections of the trees in the glassy facade of an edifice for the real thing and hit the wall with some force. Most of the folks have lost interest and went on with their business but a few women remained,discussing what to do with the poor bird. Meanwhile, its feet kick the air a couple of times like in a spasm but otherwise it remains motionless save for the eyelids. There are no traces of blood, though. We know we can't just let it lie there as it could get trampled over or killed by a passing feral cat but unaware of its injuries we are hesitant to lift it from the ground. Finally one of the women remembers she can call a vet and take it there, somebody produces a shawl in which the bird gets wrapped and carefully carried away.
I don't know how the story ended and am unlikely to ever find out but I hope the bird has made it and will stay away from the city and its perils in the future.
It is an overcast day and the cloud cover presses low, not allowing any sunlight to penetrate the thick layer of dreary greyness so common here in the late autumn and winter. However, it is not cold and I decide to take my round down to the river, across one of the bridges to the other bank and back across another bridge. Almost back to the office building I suddenly hear a thud and see a few passers-by gather around something. As I approach, I spot a bird - a woodpecker! - lying there on the ground motionless, only its eyelids flickering. The poor thing must have mistaken the reflections of the trees in the glassy facade of an edifice for the real thing and hit the wall with some force. Most of the folks have lost interest and went on with their business but a few women remained,discussing what to do with the poor bird. Meanwhile, its feet kick the air a couple of times like in a spasm but otherwise it remains motionless save for the eyelids. There are no traces of blood, though. We know we can't just let it lie there as it could get trampled over or killed by a passing feral cat but unaware of its injuries we are hesitant to lift it from the ground. Finally one of the women remembers she can call a vet and take it there, somebody produces a shawl in which the bird gets wrapped and carefully carried away.
I don't know how the story ended and am unlikely to ever find out but I hope the bird has made it and will stay away from the city and its perils in the future.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Saturday, 24 October 2009
A bit of a rant
Warning: contains expletives - not for the faint of heart!
Grrrrr... why does it always have to rain on weekends?! And why does bad news always come with the rain? I'm fucking sick of the bad news!!!!! And this time it's about my partner's sister - she broke her hip a couple of days ago and is awaiting surgery. And she lives in Serbia so a visit is out of the question. Damn, as if there wasn't enough shit hitting the fan already!!!
And if that's not enough, I go and read a mushy book about a woman diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was actually a good read, written with enough humour and gentle cynicism to make the situation bearable but still... not exactly uplifting. Damn!
And whoever says time heals all wounds is a fucking lyer. All the pain is still there and if anything it is getting more profound, more absorbing. I must keep my mind occupied with all kinds of profane things to prevent it wandering. Because each time I let it wander it ends up in the same wretched place filled with nothing but grief and regrets... and how does one prevent an inquisitive mind from wandering?!
Grrrrr... why does it always have to rain on weekends?! And why does bad news always come with the rain? I'm fucking sick of the bad news!!!!! And this time it's about my partner's sister - she broke her hip a couple of days ago and is awaiting surgery. And she lives in Serbia so a visit is out of the question. Damn, as if there wasn't enough shit hitting the fan already!!!
And if that's not enough, I go and read a mushy book about a woman diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was actually a good read, written with enough humour and gentle cynicism to make the situation bearable but still... not exactly uplifting. Damn!
And whoever says time heals all wounds is a fucking lyer. All the pain is still there and if anything it is getting more profound, more absorbing. I must keep my mind occupied with all kinds of profane things to prevent it wandering. Because each time I let it wander it ends up in the same wretched place filled with nothing but grief and regrets... and how does one prevent an inquisitive mind from wandering?!
Friday, 23 October 2009
Thursday, 22 October 2009
TWT 33 (sort of)
He paused for a moment before turning into a narrow street, surprised by a sudden feeling of xenisation. After all, he knew the place. He wanted to turn away and run but he knew it was too late. He would have to face the consequences of his pigritude. He sighed and strode hesitantly toward a hallway of an ancient building at the far side of the street. He rummaged through his pockets for the key, trying to postpone the inevitable. He took a deep breath before turning the key, expecting maleolent air to assault his nostrils. It's been several weeks since that wild party and he remembered leaving the flat in a complete mess, remnants of food and drink and body liquids smeared all over the place. However, nothing could prepare him for what he found when the door finally sprang open: the place was clean and spotless except for a small lump of unidentifiable grey matter in the far corner of the room.
*
DC, 22, was reported missing yesterday by his girlfriend, PZ. PZ told the investigators DC said he was going to clean up his flat four days ago and had not been seen since. The flat was found open but cleaned and disinfected and forensics could find no sign of DC's presence or any criminal activity in and around the flat. Further investigation is underway.
*
DC, 22, was reported missing yesterday by his girlfriend, PZ. PZ told the investigators DC said he was going to clean up his flat four days ago and had not been seen since. The flat was found open but cleaned and disinfected and forensics could find no sign of DC's presence or any criminal activity in and around the flat. Further investigation is underway.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
a nod to silly haiku wednesday
before its season
this frost
where blossoms used to be
bare stalks
(we actually had an extraordinary cold spell with some frosty mornings in the last 10 days or so)
and yes, contemporary haiku not only do not have to be in the 5-7-5 syllable format (the total number of syllables should preferably be less than 17), the number of lines is not fixed either
this frost
where blossoms used to be
bare stalks
(we actually had an extraordinary cold spell with some frosty mornings in the last 10 days or so)
and yes, contemporary haiku not only do not have to be in the 5-7-5 syllable format (the total number of syllables should preferably be less than 17), the number of lines is not fixed either
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
See monster
Here it comes, clinging to the rail for support and just about to spill over the platform. What is it after? Should everybody be running for their lives or does it simply long for some company now the tourists have left?
Monday, 19 October 2009
No trespassing
Still, how often we ignore warning signs...
But what if there are no warning signs and one keeps treading on in good faith ... and all of a sudden finds oneself stuck in a queachy bog with no escape...
Sunday, 18 October 2009
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Abandoned
hauled out
of her natural element
tied fast to the ground
her paint crackled
her stern smeared
behind her a stone wall
surrounding a house
a big house with a shiny facade
windows adorned with lacey curtains
satellite dish on the roof
in the wall, doors
all locked and secured
in passing
i pause for a moment
wondering if
there is any future left for her
wondering if
there is still anybody
to stroke her weary sides
to sand her, paint her
antifoul her bottom
and let her feel again
the soothing rhythm
of the sea
Friday, 16 October 2009
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Monday, 12 October 2009
Blisters
You discarded me like a pair of shoes causing you blisters.
Did you ever consider it might not have been the shoes that blistered you? After all, they were well worn, hardly a rough edge left... Say, what kind of socks were you wearing at the time? Smooth, soft, seamless? I doubt. Seams can be a real pain in the ars... erm, foot... you are aware of that? So, what was it?
Did you ever consider it might not have been the shoes that blistered you? After all, they were well worn, hardly a rough edge left... Say, what kind of socks were you wearing at the time? Smooth, soft, seamless? I doubt. Seams can be a real pain in the ars... erm, foot... you are aware of that? So, what was it?
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Saturday, 10 October 2009
cats
you say you hate cats. why? because you are so much like them... in the way you treat your prey?
Friday, 9 October 2009
Stuff
I do not consider myself a negative person. I try to look at things with as positive an attitude as possible. I tend to rant every once in a while but depressing stuff is generally not my cup of tea. However, there comes a time when one simply has to get some things out of the system, and these things are usually not pleasant. I've been thinking about using this blog to vent my frustrations but can't quite decide whether to do it or not. And if so, whether to disable comments or not. I appreciate all the support and am grateful for it but... some things are better left as they are, and repeating the same things over again, even if nmeant sincerely, does become tedious. So, I suppose I'll decide as I go if I choose to do it this way.
I have a history of abuse and emotional neglect, and a father who is that only in the biological sense, otherwise he doesn't deserve to be called so. Still, I tried to keep some sort of relationship with him (although it has always been tense at best) for the rest of the family's sake. Until this spring, that is, when the ever present, albeit supressed, hostilities finally broke out. I do not regret having told him what he should have heard years ago (and which terminally sealed my fate as his worst adversary) but am sorry this has caused distress to other family members. And, of course, the whole affair has been more emotionally draining than I cared to admit or gave it credit for and when direct pressures were put on me to try and make up, I was hit by a crisis of gargantuan proportions and simply couldn't play tough anymore.
And that crisis directly affected the relationship which has meant so much to me: a friendship, not exactly conventional, but in a way so much more. The closest to what I felt... no, still feel for that person is love, pure and unconditional and undisturbed by any romantic or erotic expectations, and I have reason to believe his feelings were very similar, at least at some point. And I let it slip away. I allowed the internal struggle of my inner demons (which, I am certain, ended up misinterpreted) leak into the communication at the most inappropriate time which caused the other person to recoil and refuse to talk to me anymore. My attempt at approaching him only resulted in further alienation and, alas, I don't see a way back from here. And the regret and grief this is causing me, and the bitter feeling of things left unsaid (I do not feel guilty for what I was allegedly accused of and was given no chance to clarify things) is beyond words...
I have a history of abuse and emotional neglect, and a father who is that only in the biological sense, otherwise he doesn't deserve to be called so. Still, I tried to keep some sort of relationship with him (although it has always been tense at best) for the rest of the family's sake. Until this spring, that is, when the ever present, albeit supressed, hostilities finally broke out. I do not regret having told him what he should have heard years ago (and which terminally sealed my fate as his worst adversary) but am sorry this has caused distress to other family members. And, of course, the whole affair has been more emotionally draining than I cared to admit or gave it credit for and when direct pressures were put on me to try and make up, I was hit by a crisis of gargantuan proportions and simply couldn't play tough anymore.
And that crisis directly affected the relationship which has meant so much to me: a friendship, not exactly conventional, but in a way so much more. The closest to what I felt... no, still feel for that person is love, pure and unconditional and undisturbed by any romantic or erotic expectations, and I have reason to believe his feelings were very similar, at least at some point. And I let it slip away. I allowed the internal struggle of my inner demons (which, I am certain, ended up misinterpreted) leak into the communication at the most inappropriate time which caused the other person to recoil and refuse to talk to me anymore. My attempt at approaching him only resulted in further alienation and, alas, I don't see a way back from here. And the regret and grief this is causing me, and the bitter feeling of things left unsaid (I do not feel guilty for what I was allegedly accused of and was given no chance to clarify things) is beyond words...
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Thorns
I removed a spine from my thumb today. The cactus didn't know I meant no harm when I moved it from its usual position to make space for the craftsmen coming to replace the windows in my flat. It was me being careless to allow one of its spines to pierce my skin, thus causing me pain and discomfort and irritation.
I wish removing the metaphorical splinter from my heart were that easy. Again, it was me being careless for allowing it to get there. But I'm afraid its removal would cause me to bleed to death unless done with maximum care and consideration, and even then the outcome would be uncertain.
I wish removing the metaphorical splinter from my heart were that easy. Again, it was me being careless for allowing it to get there. But I'm afraid its removal would cause me to bleed to death unless done with maximum care and consideration, and even then the outcome would be uncertain.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
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