Stuff

I do not consider myself a negative person. I try to look at things with as positive an attitude as possible. I tend to rant every once in a while but depressing stuff is generally not my cup of tea. However, there comes a time when one simply has to get some things out of the system, and these things are usually not pleasant. I've been thinking about using this blog to vent my frustrations but can't quite decide whether to do it or not. And if so, whether to disable comments or not. I appreciate all the support and am grateful for it but... some things are better left as they are, and repeating the same things over again, even if nmeant sincerely, does become tedious. So, I suppose I'll decide as I go if I choose to do it this way.

I have a history of abuse and emotional neglect, and a father who is that only in the biological sense, otherwise he doesn't deserve to be called so. Still, I tried to keep some sort of relationship with him (although it has always been tense at best) for the rest of the family's sake. Until this spring, that is, when the ever present, albeit supressed, hostilities finally broke out. I do not regret having told him what he should have heard years ago (and which terminally sealed my fate as his worst adversary) but am sorry this has caused distress to other family members. And, of course, the whole affair has been more emotionally draining than I cared to admit or gave it credit for and when direct pressures were put on me to try and make up, I was hit by a crisis of gargantuan proportions and simply couldn't play tough anymore.

And that crisis directly affected the relationship which has meant so much to me: a friendship, not exactly conventional, but in a way so much more. The closest to what I felt... no, still feel for that person is love, pure and unconditional and undisturbed by any romantic or erotic expectations, and I have reason to believe his feelings were very similar, at least at some point. And I let it slip away. I allowed the internal struggle of my inner demons (which, I am certain, ended up misinterpreted) leak into the communication at the most inappropriate time which caused the other person to recoil and refuse to talk to me anymore. My attempt at approaching him only resulted in further alienation and, alas, I don't see a way back from here. And the regret and grief this is causing me, and the bitter feeling of things left unsaid (I do not feel guilty for what I was allegedly accused of and was given no chance to clarify things) is beyond words...